It has been over a month now since I turned the infamous 29 and still I am at a lost on how to describe my emotions. Here I am, taking in another year while a special few of my loved ones have passed on. I mourned. I cried. But can I laugh? Should I celebrate? How is it possible for me to be sad/happy at the same time?
I planned to take a vacation because I just wanted to get away for a while, but I could not help but think, "What if..."
What if I leave at the wrong time; at the wrong moment?
My beautiful grandmother was getting closer and closer to being at peace and I just did not want to be somewhere else when she passed. I knew the day was drawing near, but she hung on for so long that it just did not seem real to think it was going to happen as soon as it did. Something inside of me said to change my plans. The dates were all mixed up. The timing was off. Expenses would arise, but my instinct kept saying, "Fight it."
And so I fought.
It turns out that the weekend I was originally going to leave was when my Mama left.
It pains me to think that I would have been away. It is as if she somehow told me beforehand, "Hey stick around for a bit." It hurts because every single birthday she was always by my side and had I kept things the way they were, I would not have been by hers. Each year, she shared June with me. She was always there for me with a card in hand and a warm, "Happy Birthday."
No matter what, she never forgot.
I could care less about the cards. I really did not need the greetings. But now...this year, I could not even hug her. And I wish I took advantage of all those years and stored a few of her hugs in a jar for me to pull out when I need them most.
What gets me through this is that I do not think of her as gone. I think of her no longer suffering with tubes and machines. I think of her no longer having to hear people bickering over petty things. I think of her at her strongest and in control and it feels good to know that she is up there somewhere in the clouds.
Just smiling.
I will continue to mourn.
I will continue to smile.
I will continue to celebrate life.
Hers. Mine. Ours.
-Myrnelle
Monday, July 7, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Our Room
It's been difficult to get my words out right to even begin to blog here. But I guess Mama got impatient and decided to give me a reason to try...
I feel that I'm as close to our dearest Mama as anyone can ever be by being in her old room. At first, I wanted to make drastic changes like pulling out the dark burgundy carpet and painting the walls a different shade other than eggwhite. I wanted to take down the Pepto-Bismol colored curtains and white doiley-like shawl that hangs overhead just because these things were never mine to begin with...
But it's been over a year now and still, it all remains the same.
My bed is alongside the window she used to sit next to when she sewed. She always thought the sunlight gave her better lighting for her needle and thread. My desk, books, TV, and storage space replaced her wooden dresser drawers stuffed with plastic bags, labeled with her infamous black, sharpie pen. Pictures of her 7 children leaned against the mirror where now you'll find pictures of "my" children (Stone, Vaughn, Jaelyn, Colin, and more). My coconut/mango candles and oil burner scents permeate through the air that used to smell of her Bengay and Victoria's Secret red apple lotion. My Betty Boop ornaments can be found where her decorative, mini-perfume bottles used to be. My DVD collection hugs the corner where her cabinets (filled with religious figurines) once stood. My movie posters and ceramic pieces hang against the wall where most of her religious artifacts were displayed. A new AC unit has been put in and more framed images went up over time.
And yet even though family and friends comment how different the room looks especially without her in it, in a way even though I've made that space mine, I know I'll always be sharing it with her.
Your "roommate" always, Myrnelle
I feel that I'm as close to our dearest Mama as anyone can ever be by being in her old room. At first, I wanted to make drastic changes like pulling out the dark burgundy carpet and painting the walls a different shade other than eggwhite. I wanted to take down the Pepto-Bismol colored curtains and white doiley-like shawl that hangs overhead just because these things were never mine to begin with...
But it's been over a year now and still, it all remains the same.
My bed is alongside the window she used to sit next to when she sewed. She always thought the sunlight gave her better lighting for her needle and thread. My desk, books, TV, and storage space replaced her wooden dresser drawers stuffed with plastic bags, labeled with her infamous black, sharpie pen. Pictures of her 7 children leaned against the mirror where now you'll find pictures of "my" children (Stone, Vaughn, Jaelyn, Colin, and more). My coconut/mango candles and oil burner scents permeate through the air that used to smell of her Bengay and Victoria's Secret red apple lotion. My Betty Boop ornaments can be found where her decorative, mini-perfume bottles used to be. My DVD collection hugs the corner where her cabinets (filled with religious figurines) once stood. My movie posters and ceramic pieces hang against the wall where most of her religious artifacts were displayed. A new AC unit has been put in and more framed images went up over time.
And yet even though family and friends comment how different the room looks especially without her in it, in a way even though I've made that space mine, I know I'll always be sharing it with her.
Your "roommate" always, Myrnelle
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Flowers In The House
It was the 29th of May at 11pm when I felt Mama was in the house.
I went out from my room to go to the bathroom when I smelled a strong scent of flowers coming from the kitchen. I said to myself, "Mama is beside me because I feel her presence." Then I started to get goosebumps.
I didn't know what to do. I called Froilan, with my towel covering my mouth, pretending not to be scared...but I was, even though I knew I shouldn't be. I never had this experience before even when my own dear mother passed away, but I told Froilan as soon as I entered our room, "Mama is here".
He said, "You didn't say your prayers that's why she came to visit you."
So...I laid down on my bed and said my prayers and will continue to do so until her 40th day.
Now, whenever I come home from work I say, "Hello, I love you."
And before I go to bed I say, "Goodnight, I love you...Mama."
-Maria Carina
I went out from my room to go to the bathroom when I smelled a strong scent of flowers coming from the kitchen. I said to myself, "Mama is beside me because I feel her presence." Then I started to get goosebumps.
I didn't know what to do. I called Froilan, with my towel covering my mouth, pretending not to be scared...but I was, even though I knew I shouldn't be. I never had this experience before even when my own dear mother passed away, but I told Froilan as soon as I entered our room, "Mama is here".
He said, "You didn't say your prayers that's why she came to visit you."
So...I laid down on my bed and said my prayers and will continue to do so until her 40th day.
Now, whenever I come home from work I say, "Hello, I love you."
And before I go to bed I say, "Goodnight, I love you...Mama."
-Maria Carina
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Mama is Forever Loved
OH dearest Mama Mama Mama. She is just an amazing amazing amazing person! no words to express. She will always be remembered in my heart and the families. I miss her sooo much. I think about her everyday, i think back to the times where she was so active in cooking, cleaning, going to church, making sure everyone isn't hungry etc etc.
I remember times where i used to go to school at Hamilton, and i would always walk to mamas house down the street. The first thing i would do is greet her with a hug and kiss, and the first thing she would always say to me was "Princess, did you eat?" or "Princess, are you hungry?". WOW, there were many many times i got annoyed of that but who didn't ?! We all knew she cared very much and made sure we all did not go hungry and if we were full. I appreciate everything she has done for me and my family. She took in my mother as if we were a part of her family and i know my mom loves her very very much. I am so blessed me and my family got to know and be a part of mamas family. She loved each and everyone in her family so much and you can just see it with her beautiful smile she kept all the years I've known her, which has been since i was born. Mama keeps the family going each and everyday. I love her for that. She is forever loved and will never ever be forgotten in my heart. I Love You Ma! :)
-Princess Amontos
I remember times where i used to go to school at Hamilton, and i would always walk to mamas house down the street. The first thing i would do is greet her with a hug and kiss, and the first thing she would always say to me was "Princess, did you eat?" or "Princess, are you hungry?". WOW, there were many many times i got annoyed of that but who didn't ?! We all knew she cared very much and made sure we all did not go hungry and if we were full. I appreciate everything she has done for me and my family. She took in my mother as if we were a part of her family and i know my mom loves her very very much. I am so blessed me and my family got to know and be a part of mamas family. She loved each and everyone in her family so much and you can just see it with her beautiful smile she kept all the years I've known her, which has been since i was born. Mama keeps the family going each and everyday. I love her for that. She is forever loved and will never ever be forgotten in my heart. I Love You Ma! :)
-Princess Amontos
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Our Mama
Thank you everyone for being here today. I am Anthony Dizon and I am honored to have the opportunity to speak for a few minutes about my Mama, our Mama, whose life we are celebrating here today together.
Mama would be very pleased and grateful to see that you all could make it here this morning to share in this with us, as it was her family and friends who were the most important focus of her life. It was also your continued support, well wishes and prayers which were so valuable to her and to the family during her difficult times.
In addition to your presence here, we have received many, many expressions of sympathy, by phone calls, cards, e-mails, text messages, flowers, as well as from family and friends who were able to come to the viewing yesterday and the other day but couldn’t be here with us today.
Before I go on to celebrate Mama and what she stood for I must share with you the reality of what life was like for Mama and the family since she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. Of course, nobody suffered more than Mama, but we all shared my mother’s pain. It was like we were all on trial.
At any one point, as a family, we were in denial, we were angry, or we were depressed. And there was conflict. We disagreed with the doctor’s and nurse’s findings. We didn’t always agree with each other on a course of action. It was a confusing moment.
In the end I felt we all put up a real good fight. We did what we could do, Together! Mama was showered with love and care by everyone.
I could talk for hours and provide numerous examples demonstrating her remarkable independence, including, of course, her strength to carry on being around us after my father passed away in 1990.
Her generosity with her time, her energy, her advice, and in so many other ways provided invaluable support to a remarkable number of people. She not only cared for 5 daughters and 2 sons, she found ways to also care for a lot of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.
My mother had an extraordinary ability to make each of us feel stronger and more confident in our own identity, giving us our own sense of independence and mental toughness which, speaking for myself, has been such an asset in so many ways in my life.
The one incident I would never forget with Mama was when I got my very first paycheck here in the US. (2 weeks of pay with overtime – still a very small amount back then). Anyway, I came to her and said, "Ma, you can have this." Right away, she gave me advice on how I should learn how to save and value what I have worked for. I can’t remember now if Mama ended up keeping that first paycheck, or if I saved it, or if my father spent it – as he was a spender. But from that day on, at that early stage of my adult life, Mama showed me the importance and value of hard work.
Mama is meticulous on how she cares for her personal belongings. Her clothes are folded and stored neatly in her closets. She likes to keep the house especially her room clean all the time – unfortunately for my wife and my 2 sons, I am just as meticulous as my mother.
She liked to hide her important stuff in a way that no one could think of. But when the illness started, our weekend visits became a treasure hunt game for the family trying to find where she hid them because she couldn’t remember where they were. We find it for her so she can hide it again.
These memories along with many others will live in our hearts forever.
I will always be extremely proud to call myself the son of Mama.
Mama, I am going to miss you so much! Truth is I already miss you.
Love your youngest son,
Anthony
Mama would be very pleased and grateful to see that you all could make it here this morning to share in this with us, as it was her family and friends who were the most important focus of her life. It was also your continued support, well wishes and prayers which were so valuable to her and to the family during her difficult times.
In addition to your presence here, we have received many, many expressions of sympathy, by phone calls, cards, e-mails, text messages, flowers, as well as from family and friends who were able to come to the viewing yesterday and the other day but couldn’t be here with us today.
Before I go on to celebrate Mama and what she stood for I must share with you the reality of what life was like for Mama and the family since she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 3 years ago. Of course, nobody suffered more than Mama, but we all shared my mother’s pain. It was like we were all on trial.
At any one point, as a family, we were in denial, we were angry, or we were depressed. And there was conflict. We disagreed with the doctor’s and nurse’s findings. We didn’t always agree with each other on a course of action. It was a confusing moment.
In the end I felt we all put up a real good fight. We did what we could do, Together! Mama was showered with love and care by everyone.
I could talk for hours and provide numerous examples demonstrating her remarkable independence, including, of course, her strength to carry on being around us after my father passed away in 1990.
Her generosity with her time, her energy, her advice, and in so many other ways provided invaluable support to a remarkable number of people. She not only cared for 5 daughters and 2 sons, she found ways to also care for a lot of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.
My mother had an extraordinary ability to make each of us feel stronger and more confident in our own identity, giving us our own sense of independence and mental toughness which, speaking for myself, has been such an asset in so many ways in my life.
The one incident I would never forget with Mama was when I got my very first paycheck here in the US. (2 weeks of pay with overtime – still a very small amount back then). Anyway, I came to her and said, "Ma, you can have this." Right away, she gave me advice on how I should learn how to save and value what I have worked for. I can’t remember now if Mama ended up keeping that first paycheck, or if I saved it, or if my father spent it – as he was a spender. But from that day on, at that early stage of my adult life, Mama showed me the importance and value of hard work.
Mama is meticulous on how she cares for her personal belongings. Her clothes are folded and stored neatly in her closets. She likes to keep the house especially her room clean all the time – unfortunately for my wife and my 2 sons, I am just as meticulous as my mother.
She liked to hide her important stuff in a way that no one could think of. But when the illness started, our weekend visits became a treasure hunt game for the family trying to find where she hid them because she couldn’t remember where they were. We find it for her so she can hide it again.
These memories along with many others will live in our hearts forever.
I will always be extremely proud to call myself the son of Mama.
Mama, I am going to miss you so much! Truth is I already miss you.
Love your youngest son,
Anthony
Unforgettable Memories
I had so many unforgettable memories with Mama being with her for many, many years. This woman was a hardworking, caring, loving & adorable person. She was very organized in everything. All the things at home (i.e. kitchen, bathroom) should be clean and there were notes all over the place that read:
"Don't touch"
"Keep it clean"
"Turn off lights"
"Close it properly"
and many more...
I will miss these little notes from her. She left many memories behind and I will keep it in my heart forever.
Mama wherever you are, whatever you do I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I am so lucky to have you as my mother-in-law, mother, adviser, and the best MAMA for us. We will miss you forever.
Maria Carina - she called me both names :)
"Don't touch"
"Keep it clean"
"Turn off lights"
"Close it properly"
and many more...
I will miss these little notes from her. She left many memories behind and I will keep it in my heart forever.
Mama wherever you are, whatever you do I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I am so lucky to have you as my mother-in-law, mother, adviser, and the best MAMA for us. We will miss you forever.
Maria Carina - she called me both names :)
Monday, May 26, 2008
Alyssa was only 7 days old here (12/3/06). Mama was our first stop once we got out of the hospital. We couldn't wait for her to meet another great-grandchild! Jordan was very proud and was excited to introduce them to each other! I remember as Alyssa & Jordan got older they would make a little more noise when we would go visit mama - she would worry so much about them. She was always so concerned that they would hurt themselves and would tell me, "Oh - yung mga bata - baka masaktan." Or when they were really loud, "Ang ingay ng bata - magulo!" Oh, mama - we miss you so much!
Here's our family with dear mama! I can still hear her voice! She always asked me if she could carry Alyssa. "Pakarga ang baby..."We miss you mama!
Love,
Krys, Allan, Jordan & Alyssa Strong
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
