Happy Birthday

It has been over a month now since I turned the infamous 29 and still I am at a lost on how to describe my emotions. Here I am, taking in another year while a special few of my loved ones have passed on. I mourned. I cried. But can I laugh? Should I celebrate? How is it possible for me to be sad/happy at the same time?

I planned to take a vacation because I just wanted to get away for a while, but I could not help but think, "What if..."

What if I leave at the wrong time; at the wrong moment?

My beautiful grandmother was getting closer and closer to being at peace and I just did not want to be somewhere else when she passed. I knew the day was drawing near, but she hung on for so long that it just did not seem real to think it was going to happen as soon as it did. Something inside of me said to change my plans. The dates were all mixed up. The timing was off. Expenses would arise, but my instinct kept saying, "Fight it."

And so I fought.


It turns out that the weekend I was originally going to leave was when my Mama left.

It pains me to think that I would have been away. It is as if she somehow told me beforehand, "Hey stick around for a bit." It hurts because every single birthday she was always by my side and had I kept things the way they were, I would not have been by hers. Each year, she shared June with me. She was always there for me with a card in hand and a warm, "Happy Birthday."

No matter what, she never forgot.

I could care less about the cards. I really did not need the greetings. But now...this year, I could not even hug her. And I wish I took advantage of all those years and stored a few of her hugs in a jar for me to pull out when I need them most.

What gets me through this is that I do not think of her as gone. I think of her no longer suffering with tubes and machines. I think of her no longer having to hear people bickering over petty things. I think of her at her strongest and in control and it feels good to know that she is up there somewhere in the clouds.

Just smiling.

I will continue to mourn.

I will continue to smile.

I will continue to celebrate life.

Hers. Mine. Ours.

-Myrnelle